The best clue that you may be dating a sociopath.

The best clue I can share with you that you are about to embark on a potentially dangerous faux love affair with a sociopath is this:

If he asks you to keep a secret.

That's it, pretty simple sounding isn't it?

Any potential suitor who asks you to keep a secret up front on the first date or many dates down the road is hiding something!!!

At this point you need to run, run, run away.

The problem:
The allure of being invited in to someone else's secret life is exciting.  It gives us the illusion that we are special because we are of the few invited into his world (a world of lies, deceit, cheating, manipulation, adultery and deception.)  All it really means is that we are easily fooled.  I know I was.

Wanting so much to be loved and feel valued that we ignore the red flags, the gut instincts and the feeling of unease.

A charming man, thoughtful, bestowing gifts who fell in love with us the moment we met and to top it off, he's great in the sack.  Who wouldn't be swept off her feet?

He is a skilled manipulator.  A man who knows how to sell himself.

The secrets he asks you to keep are for his protection, to misdirect you and to keep you away from finding out the truth.

"I work for the CIA."  "I'm a bounty hunter."  "I'm undercover."  "My family is in the mafia."  Do any of  these sound familiar?  I hope not, but they are all examples of cover stories they give forcing them and you to not talk or ask questions about him.  They also lend an element of mystique making him more appealing.  He is now more interesting.  He becomes the forbidden fruit.

He may ask you to wear a disguise (making you a secret.)  He doesn't want to be seen with a woman other than his wife, hence the disguise.  He may wear a hat and sunglasses to help disguise himself.  The story he'll give you will either be one of intrigue or pity.  He might say he has a crazy, stalker ex-wife, or he's spying on someone, but just had to see you because you make him feel special or perhaps his wife no longer loves him and he is looking for love.

Whatever the words are, they are lies.  They are meant to entice you, lead you on, have you want to be part of his world (game).

He will tell you that you are not to tell any one.  You must keep his secrets, it's important to him that you do (for more reasons than you realize.)

Anyone who asks you to keep a secret is hiding more than you want to have to deal with.  Maybe he is married, maybe he's a rapist, a thief or just a lost soul who needs constant reassurance to boost his ego.

He could be a narcissist.  He could have Borderline Personality Disorder.  He could be a sociopath.
All of these are unhealthy personality disorders-for him and you.

Stay clear.

Ladies, if you meet someone who asks you to keep a secret, tell him you won't, then walk away.  There may be a wife out there somewhere who will thank you.

Revenge as a pressure relief valve for anger.

Once you learn that you've been cheated on, lied to and mislead about your relationship anger and hatred may build inside.

What do you do with that powerful emotion boiling inside you?

Do you get revenge or forgive?

At some point you will have to forgive in order to move on with your life and be happy, but if you're not there yet and want to get revenge first, you have options.

Below are some ideas I've heard that other people have done to get revenge.  I am in no way telling you to get revenge in order to release that anger that is trapped inside you; what you do is entirely your choice.

Speaks for itself.

Spray paint has been used to write on a garage door of his house and or the mistresses house.
I'm sure in lots of other creative ways too.

There's the ol' clean the toilet with his toothbrush bit.  It's an oldy but goody.

How about placing poop in the tank of the toilet?  This sounds more like something a man would do, but who knows.

How about an ad in the newspaper or on craigslist?  A friend of mine put a classified ad in the local paper.  "Husband for sale cheap, comes with mistress."  That was the gist of it, but she elaborated.








There is always the home printed flyer with the cheaters name and picture on it, along with what they did wrong and post it up around the neighborhood and town.

My favorite story that I heard was a wife who sold her husbands car while he was traveling for "work".  What a surprise to come home to after vacationing with one's mistress?!  That takes a lot of balls.








Interested in something more covert?  How about a facebook account in their name describing what type of person they are, pictures and all.  Although, at some point fb will ask you to take it down, but until then.......

This is a bullseye on any man's ego!

We don't all have the luxury of this kind of money, but talk about priceless.

  

Have fun at a sporting event.











Another more covert method is to put their name on a cheaters website.  There are many and they are free.

That concludes the revenge list for today, but stay tuned, there will be more.  Revenge is wicked and so am I.  In the future I will share some of my wicked ways with you.

If you have tried any or heard of any interesting, entertaining ways of getting revenge for a broken heart please share.  I'm always looking out for the next great revenge story.

In a future post I will list positive, healing ways of getting revenge.

Until then, remember you are deserving of romance, love and faithfulness.

I found secret pictures of naked women.

                                                               image courtesy of pixabay



I stumbled upon some tucked away credit card statements that belong to my "sweetheart" and looked through them, of course.  Why wouldn't I?

They dated back 6 years ago.  Holy shit!  That son of a bitch has been fooling around with other women that far back!  At this point I would love to stab a knife into his heart, but I won't.  Instead I will go run until I'm exhausted.  It's a good thing he's not home for awhile.

As I looked over the statements I payed close attention to the dates.  Man he was busy.  He was in places other than where he told me he was.  More lies than truths have crossed his lips I'm sure.

One state came up regularly, despite the fact that he told me he only travels there every other year to visit his family.  So that's where another one lives.

Nothing would give me more pleasure right now than to be able to contact every woman that he's had an affair with.  Revenge being my only motive here.  These women don't know me and may or may not know that "he" is/was in a relationship.

Looking through the rest of the stack of statements I figured out that he had her fly to his house on at least one occasion.

And HER NAME was on the statement next to "plane ticket." Gold.

Now I know her name and what state she lives in.  From there finding her is easy.  No worries, I hold no anger toward her.  I just think she should know about him.

Fueled by this golden nugget of spy intel into the secret life of my now ex, I searched the house again.

Jackpot!

Guess who left an old laptop in a box along side it's power cord? You guessed it, that lying, cheating, unfaithful, no good son of a bitch.

Naturally I did what any cheated on wife/girlfriend/fiance/ partner would do.  I plugged it in.

And yes, I found naked pictures of 2 women.  Both with their names tagged in the image.  Dumbass!

There was another woman pictured, but with clothes on and no name.  Get this, he also had a selfie of himself in his underwear!  Like he was a politician or something.  My guess is that he either sent that pic to someone or used it as a profile pic on a smut site.

I recognized both names of the women.  Their names and phone numbers are on his cell phone.  He had said they were work associates.  Foolish me for not asking what type of work.

Wow, I found myself a real winner didn't I?  In the beginning I questioned a few things, but I had no idea just how far down the rabbit hole went.  I still don't.

It does make me wonder, just what else am I missing hiding in this house?  If I can't sleep tonight I have an activity to keep me busy at least.

So let this be a heads up ladies.  If you send naked pictures to someone you are dating, you don't know who will end up seeing them.

Off to do more searching while he's not at home.

If you have any stories you want to share please do.

Remember, we all deserve love and faithfulness.

Reading body language to know if he's lying to you.

If he's cheating, he's lying.  Let's face it, liars lie.  How are you suppose to know when he's telling the truth or lying?

That's where body language comes in.  The body doesn't lie.

Here are some of my tips on reading body language as it pertains to his feelings about you.  Keep in mind these are basic body language cues, you know you partner better than anyone else so there may be some variances.

If it helps, think back to the early stages of your relationship, how is he different now compared to then?


1.  Space.  How much space does he leave between the 2 of you when you: walk, sleep, watch tv, eat meals, talk on the phone, go to a party, visit friends, go to a bar/club?  You get the idea.  Does he sleep on the edge of the bed or cuddle?  When watching tv are you 2 physically touching or is he in his own personal space?  Does he walk at his own personal pace or stay by your side (holding hands or not)?  Do you eat meals together or on your own schedule?  When you go to a party do you go your separate ways?  If so, do you at least "check in" with each other periodically? At a bar or club does he ditch you for friends?  When meeting new people is he distant from you (like a stranger) or is he by your side (letting the world know that you belong to him)?

In essence, does he invite you into his personal space or not?

2.  Body positioning.  Does he face you?  When you talk is he facing you or angled facing away?  When you have sex, are you two face to face or does he prefer to look at the back of your head?  This is only important if it differs from the sexual contact you shared when you were close and intimate with one another.  Does he mirror you?  (when an interested party follows the movements of the other)

3.  His feet.  Watch his feet.  When you are near each other are his feet pointed away from you (as though his feet want to run away) or are they pointed toward you?

4.  Posture.  Slouching can be a sign of being comfortable, but it can also be a sign of no longer caring how you view him.  If he stands next to you with his chest out, tall and shoulders back that's pride (in himself and being with you.)  If he's slouching and a pretty woman walks by does he straighten up?

5.  Hands.  When he's talking to you are his hands clinched?  Fidgety?  Relaxed? Does he touch his face, neck or ears?  Are his hands resting on his arms and softly moving (this is known as self-soothing)?  How his hands are moving or not can say a lot about his mental state.

There are many clues their body gives us as to their honesty or lying ways, so watch them.  Watch how they move around you and around others.  What are the differences?

No one wants to discover that their spouse has been having an affair, but do you want to live with the alternative?

You deserve better.  We all do.

Cheating spouse caught sending flowers to another woman.

     Valentines Day is coming up, a time we dread if we believe our spouse is having an affair.

If you're wondering if he sent flowers to the other woman, you can check.  It also makes for a colorful way to catch your man cheating.

Do you know the florist he buys from?  You can either call and inquire about "an" order, using his name and number if they ask or check online (this requires knowing a password usually.)

If you don't know the florist you can call each one in your town, if you want to know that bad.

Once you know that he is sending flowers to his mistress, what do you do?  If it were me, I would have them read me the note (if there is one), change it to read something else entirely (your choice) or cancel the order all together.  However, if you want to go out with a colorful bang, you can have the flowers sent to you.  Nothing says you're busted you lying, cheating, loser quite like getting the flowers that were suppose to go to his secret girlfriend.

No matter what you do, remember you are deserving of real love, respect and faithfulness.

As for me, I'm going to enjoy Valentine's Day by buying myself some nice things with his money.
<3

Busted by a cigarette butt!

     I really wanted to share this with everyone to illustrate 2 points: 1) that paying attention to details can pay off and 2) that it is very, very difficult to hide all the evidence of an affair.

     A friend of mine noticed one of her husbands cigarette butts in an unusual location while she was working outside one day.  The butt was behind their RV, not a place they go, especially during the cold winter months.

     Knowing this was out of character for him, not to mention she didn't see him go outside, she checked their surveillance system (which is time stamped.)  It recorded the back door being opened early in the morning, when she would have been in the shower.

     Lightbulb!

     She set a trap.

     The next morning she went upstairs and turned on the shower.  While the water ran she watched their surveillance system which showed him grabbing his phone and sending a text before sneaking out the back door again.

     She snuck out the front door and over to the side of the RV where she heard him sweetly talking to someone on the phone.  She stepped around the corner and cleared her throat.

     He shit himself! So she tells me.  The look on his face was priceless.  He had been caught red handed all because he was to lazy to pick up his cigarette butt.

     She had been having the feeling that he was keeping a big secret, so she wasn't too surprised at catching her husband cheating.  She was surprised at how easy it was though.

     How great would it be if it were that easy for all of us to catch our spouses, partners or boyfriends having an affair?  Could you imagine catching them in the act of sex with another woman?  At that point they couldn't deny it, even though I'm sure they would try.

     If you have any stories about how you caught your partner cheating or caught them in an undeniable lie, please feel free to share.  I welcome the stories.

     Until next time, remember, you are deserving of respect, love and faithfulness.

Ending a relationship with a sociopath.

     I'm done.  I've had enough of living the lies.

     Looking to buy something I opened up a mutual account that we have.  Guess what I found?  He has been searching for diamonds, sexy lingerie and a new phone.  He didn't give any of these items to me.  So, I'm done.  Clearly another woman has his attention.  I only wish I could discover who she is so I can warn her of what she is getting into.

     The hard part is now I have to figure out how to safely break up with a man who displays sociopathic tendencies.  Believe me, I've googled the heck out of "how to" do just that.  Unfortunately,  every site says the same thing and they are all having to do with what happens afterward.  I'm looking for how to bring up the topic in the least likely way to provoke outbursts of anger, denial, manipulation, threats and the plea to change.

     My trepidation for approaching the topic gently, stems from past experiences.  My first husband was another man I had to get away from.  After he put a knife to my throat for buying socks I knew I had to leave.

     I don't want a repeat.

     What I've learned about sociopaths is that they will justify anything to suit their needs.  They are in denial of their bad behavior.  They feel like they are being victimized.  They feel entitled to what they want.  Everything is someone else's fault, they take no accountability.

     This is my take on what to do, unless I find another way.

     The breakup will have to begin with a positive statement such as, I love you and I always will.  Then I will have to state what our conversation is about.  "I'm not right for you."  Followed by another positive statement (to protect his ego.)  You are amazing (fill in the rest with true statements.)
     Remain calm, show no emotions, don't accuse or blame, stay in control of the conversation and don't make it about my needs (that implies that he isn't good enough which his ego can't handle) and don't back down.

     That's the plan.

   At this point he will either: 1) get mad, 2) threaten me, 3) agree with me (God forbid), 4) say he will change  or something to that effect.

     I'm hoping that since he is interested in another woman this transition time will go a little easier, but a blow to the ego is always hard.

     Breakups are never easy, but they are even more challenging when it happens with a sociopath or psychopath.  For anyone else out there who has to go through this my advice is to be safe.

     When I left my first husband I had to do it while he was at work because he threatened to kill me if I ever left him.  It's amazing how many people will help you when your safety is on the line.

     I found a little apartment and didn't tell him where it was, but once he followed me home I knew I was in for some potential danger.  It took moving again, this time 500 miles away, to be safe.

    We can all learn from history.  I'm already looking for a new place, 500 miles away.

     He's out of town now so I have some time to plan.  I'll let you know the details and what worked and what didn't.

     We all deserve respect, love and honesty.

     Be safe.

20 ways to tell he may be lying

     Reading people to distinguish a lie from the truth isn't an exact science.  People handle stress differently which is what they do when they lie.  The more experienced they are at lying, the better they are at hiding it, unfortunately.

     This is an excellent time to use your powers of observation, to help detect a lie.

     By now, in your relationship, you should know how to tell when he is uncomfortable.  That is a good starting point.  If you are having a seemingly normal conversation and you notice his comfort level has changed you should explore the topic further.

     Begin with an honest baseline.  In other words, how does he look, talk, sound, move or gesture when he is telling the truth?  That's your baseline.  Now ask him a question that you know he will lie to.  What are the differences?

Here is a list of tips and tells for liars, but everyone is different, so learn his.

1.  No eye contact or too much eye contact.

2.  An immediate prepared answer or taking too long to think of an answer.

3.  Changes the answer.

4.  Stiffens his body.

5.  Rubs his eyes or forehead.

6.  Covers his mouth when talking.

7.  Micro-expressions.  The instantaneous Oh Shit expression that flashes on his face before he corrects it.

8. Unusual touching or scratching of the face.

9.  Their words don't match their expressions or body language.

10. A tick or restlessness in a body part.  Finger tapping, toe tapping, leg wiggles, you get the idea.

11. They answer no, but their head shakes yes.  Or the opposite for yes.

12. Their tone changes.

13. If the answer doesn't make sense or is illogical.

14. Too much detail for what should have been a simple answer.

15. Are his eyes closed or does he look away when he answers?

16. No contractions are used.  As in "I did not cheat."

17. Gets defensive at your questions.

18. Repeats the question (in an effort to buy time.)

19. May unconsciously put an object between him and you (arms crossed,a leg, a book, a pillow, etc.)

20. If he feels the need to explain himself for what should be a simple answer.

     Now that you know some of the standard tells, it's time to do some clarifying.

1.  Switch quickly to a different topic.  A liar will gladly go along, but anyone else will want to go back and finish or put a close to the previous topic.

2.  Ask him to retell the story but in reverse.

3.  If there was a question that caused discomfort ask follow up questions.


     The bottom line, you may be able to tell when he is lying, but most men, even when confronted with evidence still won't admit to an affair.  However, you don't need him to admit it to make a decision for what is best for you.

     Do you want to be free, not tied down to someone who has no integrity and will lie to your face?  Or do you want to try to work it out?  A tip, it's impossible to move on and have trust if he can't be honest with you.


     Do you have any tips we should add to our list?  If so, please feel free to share.

     And remember, you deserve respect, love and honesty.

Profile of a male serial cheater.

Serial cheaters are the ones who will continue to cheat every chance they get.

They love the thrill.

They think they deserve the adoration and attention.

They don't think that they will get caught.  In the back of their mind they think they can talk their way out of it if they do get caught.

They think they are smarter than you.

It is your job to protect yourself from them.  In order to do that I've put together a list of qualities that serial cheaters have in common.

1.  They are narcissists.  They think only of themselves and what they want.  It doesn't matter who they hurt to get it.

2.  They are self-entitled.  They think they deserve anything and everything their heart or loins desire.  They look to other people to pump their ego; They don't know how to do it themselves.

3.  They are more likely to have money.  They need money to shower women with gifts.  They are not capable of giving true love, so gifts are their way of saying "I care about you."  He may say the words I love you, but they mean something different to him than you.

4.  They are more likely to have jobs with power and control.  An executive for example.

5.  They are image oriented.  They are shallow people.  It's all about looks.  They want to be with attractive women who shower them with words of praise, there by stroking their egos.  Their own looks and image to others is of high importance.  They present themselves well, but you have to be able to look past the facade.

6.  They have double standards.  Rules apply to everyone else to "be good", but not to them.  Since they are narcissists they think they can rewrite the rules.

7.  They are experts at justification.  In their heads they are able to justify any action or motive to suit their needs and give them the excuse they need to cheat.  They do not think of themselves as liars, cheaters, deceitful or unfaithful.  They can justify infidelity with ease.

8.  They take no accountability.  If you notice that they place accountability of anything (past relationship failures, problems in the workplace, family issues for example) on other people instead of owning their part of the problem than you bet that they do  that with cheating too.

9.  They are insecure or paranoid.  This may be hard to spot at first because they are masters of deception.  Initially they come across as confidant, but that is a mask.  Inside they are insecure about your faithfulness because they know how easy it is to cheat.  Once they decide they want to keep you around for awhile you may start to notice the jealousy signs of insecurity and paranoia.  Beware, this is never a good sign.

10. They have cheated before.  They may or may not tell you if they have previously been unfaithful, but if they do realize there is a distinct possibility they will again.  And you should know that if they cheated with you, they absolutely will cheat on you.  Don't lie to yourself and think they won't.


11. They are handsome.  Good looks goes along way to forgiveness and masking deception.  People who are attractive can get away with a lot more than ugly counterparts.  This is not to say that all good looking people are cheaters because that's not true.

12. They are charming.  They pride themselves on being charming and know how to use that to their advantage.

13.  They know how to read people.  They are good at reading people and learning what matters to that person.  They use that knowledge to lie and lure their target with empty promises.  They are predators.

14. They likely had parents who were unfaithful.  Seeing infidelity as a child imprints on them that it is normal behavior.

15. They are skilled liars.  If you ever hear them lie or say that they lied, than you can bet that they lie to you too.  If they'll lie about the little things, than they'll lie about anything.


Take these for what they are, little pieces of a larger, thoughtless, emotional void that make up a serial cheater.

No one wants to be in a relationship with a cheater, so learn to spot the signs of serial cheaters before you get too far involved.

Always remember that you deserve better.

Slow and tried but true, 2 ways to catch a cheater.

Trying to catch someone cheating can be time consuming.  Do you trust your gut instinct or do you want proof?  If you find evidence of an affair do you talk to him or just leave him?  What if he lies to you and it's believable?  What if he keeps cheating?  How much time are you willing to invest to discover the truth?

For me, I love the thrill.  How many different ways can I discover secrets?  Who is more clever?  How many different books can I write using all the information I gather?  The answer to that by the way is three in the works so far.  The least I can do is make some money out of this whole ordeal.  That will piss him off once he learns what I did.  Good.

However, I don't recommend that to anyone.  I, on the other hand, know that I should've left years ago when I first started to wonder why his personality changed. Also, I am a covert passive aggressive woman.  He is a covert passive aggressive male.  In other words, together we are a screwed up, dangerous couple.

Let's get back to you.  Are you going to trust your gut (which is really your subconscious having noticed clues) or are you going to look for proof?  If so, how much time are you going to allow yourself to look?  It can be time consuming.

Looking online for proof of cheating, lying, infidelity, unfaithfulness, what ever you want to label it, can suck up your energy and time.

Dating sites.  If he's at least half smart he won't post an image of himself which would make it a lot easier.  Other wise, type in a description of what you are looking for (his age range, physical description, an approximate mile radius and qualities you think he'll use to describe himself.)  Now you have the tedious task of gleaning through all the profiles.  If you run across your partner's profile you'll know.  Be sure to search through slutty dating sites (adultfriendfinder, adulthookups, naughtydating for example) as well as, the regular dating sites such as match, plenty of fish and zoosk.  You never know, you may run across an image of your man's junk.

Searching dating sites is the most time consuming method I know to find clues, but when you find it you can set up a fake profile to start "flirting" and maybe get a chance to bust him face to face.

Follow them.  This is very old school but it works.  You may want to ask a trusted friend to help with this.  Figure out when he meets up with the mystery woman.  Is it on his way home from work?  When he's at "the gym"?  When he's with his "friends"?  Instead of going to church?  Once you know when then you can make plans to follow him and see where he goes.  Or if you have the money simply put a gps tracker on his car.

Time and patience are key with these methods.

Remember you are deserving of respect, love and faithfulness.

Let the games begin.

All of this is happening to me right now.  And I mean now.

The more I search for clues the more I find out about him and think he must be really twisted.  No one will ever know (except me) unless I find a way to confront him where he can't deny it, like he has before.

I'll be out of here soon enough I have no doubt.  Why stay with him you ask?  I want to catch him in the act so I won't be the only one who knows that he is a lying, cheating, two timing man who needs serious mental help.

The only reason I share that with you is so that you'll know the tidbits of being sneaky and spying are things I've done.  Sad to say but I now enjoy the thrill of playing a spy in my own house of love.  My pounding heart as I look through his car while he's in the shower, only 3 minutes.  My nail breaking off in the car while I frantically look for clues and now I have to come up with an excuse as to why my nail is in the car.  Shit.  I run back to the front door, quietly open it just a crack and slip inside.  Hoping he's still in the shower.  The water is running, good.  I quietly step into the bathroom and get back to putting my makeup on.  The water stops.  My heart is still pounding.  Breath. I take an upward stroke of the mascara wand as he steps out of the shower.  I smile big.  Hi babe.  And breath.

That probably sounds awful to anyone who hasn't been cheated on, but for those of us living with an unfaithful spouse who also lies, it becomes part of the game.  How to catch a cheater?