12 tips for questioning a cheating spouse

You know he's lying to you, but he sticks with his story.  You ask questions, you cry, you plead, but still he lies and denies.  And all you want is the truth.  Does that sound familiar?

Perhaps it's time to learn how to ask questions- differently, in a different order and different types of questions.

Here are pointers on how to change your questioning (interrogating):

• Stay calm.   Breaking out the tears doesn't help because at this point, let's face it, they don't care about how you feel (otherwise they wouldn't have cheated, right?) 
• Speak in a non-threatening tone.  This will help them to stay calm also and disarm their defenses.
• Let him know that if he's not honest with you that you will leave (only say this if you are willing to follow through) and that you already know the truth.

Stop the lies when they start.  When he lies hold up your hand to stop, repeat your question or rephrase it.  Don't allow him to lie to you, so every time he starts, hold up your hand to let him know that it is not acceptable.

• Push farther.  If you can tell that a question has made him uncomfortable ask more questions and keep pushing, narrowing down the questions, time frames, subject.  Follow up questions are crucial.
• Ask open ended questions.  Try not to ask yes or no questions.  The idea is to get them talking, they may give you information you didn't know.
• Listen intently.  Don't interrupt him, allow him to speak.  
• Ask him to tell the story backward.  Liars rehearse their lies in one direction, but not in reverse. It will be harder to keep a story straight when retelling it in a different order.  
• Ask specific questions.  How long has the affair been going on?  Is it over?  What is missing from our relationship that you needed to get from another woman?  Do you feel guilty?  These questions should only be asked if you know for a fact that there was an affair.  
• Ask loaded questions.  For example, "Were you looking for someone or did it just happen?"
• Suggest justifications on why he cheated to see if he bites at one.  
•  Rephrasing the same questions.  Especially if you think you are going in the right direction, but he hasn't told you what you want to know.  Simply rephrase the same question, don't be afraid to rephrase the question multiple times.

They may never admit to what they did, but in the end doesn't that say a lot about their character?

Hopefully, you can get the answers you need from what they do reveal through their words and body language.  

I wish you the best.

Reading body language to know if he's lying to you.

If he's cheating, he's lying.  Let's face it, liars lie.  How are you suppose to know when he's telling the truth or lying?

That's where body language comes in.  The body doesn't lie.

Here are some of my tips on reading body language as it pertains to his feelings about you.  Keep in mind these are basic body language cues, you know you partner better than anyone else so there may be some variances.

If it helps, think back to the early stages of your relationship, how is he different now compared to then?


1.  Space.  How much space does he leave between the 2 of you when you: walk, sleep, watch tv, eat meals, talk on the phone, go to a party, visit friends, go to a bar/club?  You get the idea.  Does he sleep on the edge of the bed or cuddle?  When watching tv are you 2 physically touching or is he in his own personal space?  Does he walk at his own personal pace or stay by your side (holding hands or not)?  Do you eat meals together or on your own schedule?  When you go to a party do you go your separate ways?  If so, do you at least "check in" with each other periodically? At a bar or club does he ditch you for friends?  When meeting new people is he distant from you (like a stranger) or is he by your side (letting the world know that you belong to him)?

In essence, does he invite you into his personal space or not?

2.  Body positioning.  Does he face you?  When you talk is he facing you or angled facing away?  When you have sex, are you two face to face or does he prefer to look at the back of your head?  This is only important if it differs from the sexual contact you shared when you were close and intimate with one another.  Does he mirror you?  (when an interested party follows the movements of the other)

3.  His feet.  Watch his feet.  When you are near each other are his feet pointed away from you (as though his feet want to run away) or are they pointed toward you?

4.  Posture.  Slouching can be a sign of being comfortable, but it can also be a sign of no longer caring how you view him.  If he stands next to you with his chest out, tall and shoulders back that's pride (in himself and being with you.)  If he's slouching and a pretty woman walks by does he straighten up?

5.  Hands.  When he's talking to you are his hands clinched?  Fidgety?  Relaxed? Does he touch his face, neck or ears?  Are his hands resting on his arms and softly moving (this is known as self-soothing)?  How his hands are moving or not can say a lot about his mental state.

There are many clues their body gives us as to their honesty or lying ways, so watch them.  Watch how they move around you and around others.  What are the differences?

No one wants to discover that their spouse has been having an affair, but do you want to live with the alternative?

You deserve better.  We all do.