Busted by a cigarette butt!

     I really wanted to share this with everyone to illustrate 2 points: 1) that paying attention to details can pay off and 2) that it is very, very difficult to hide all the evidence of an affair.

     A friend of mine noticed one of her husbands cigarette butts in an unusual location while she was working outside one day.  The butt was behind their RV, not a place they go, especially during the cold winter months.

     Knowing this was out of character for him, not to mention she didn't see him go outside, she checked their surveillance system (which is time stamped.)  It recorded the back door being opened early in the morning, when she would have been in the shower.

     Lightbulb!

     She set a trap.

     The next morning she went upstairs and turned on the shower.  While the water ran she watched their surveillance system which showed him grabbing his phone and sending a text before sneaking out the back door again.

     She snuck out the front door and over to the side of the RV where she heard him sweetly talking to someone on the phone.  She stepped around the corner and cleared her throat.

     He shit himself! So she tells me.  The look on his face was priceless.  He had been caught red handed all because he was to lazy to pick up his cigarette butt.

     She had been having the feeling that he was keeping a big secret, so she wasn't too surprised at catching her husband cheating.  She was surprised at how easy it was though.

     How great would it be if it were that easy for all of us to catch our spouses, partners or boyfriends having an affair?  Could you imagine catching them in the act of sex with another woman?  At that point they couldn't deny it, even though I'm sure they would try.

     If you have any stories about how you caught your partner cheating or caught them in an undeniable lie, please feel free to share.  I welcome the stories.

     Until next time, remember, you are deserving of respect, love and faithfulness.

Ending a relationship with a sociopath.

     I'm done.  I've had enough of living the lies.

     Looking to buy something I opened up a mutual account that we have.  Guess what I found?  He has been searching for diamonds, sexy lingerie and a new phone.  He didn't give any of these items to me.  So, I'm done.  Clearly another woman has his attention.  I only wish I could discover who she is so I can warn her of what she is getting into.

     The hard part is now I have to figure out how to safely break up with a man who displays sociopathic tendencies.  Believe me, I've googled the heck out of "how to" do just that.  Unfortunately,  every site says the same thing and they are all having to do with what happens afterward.  I'm looking for how to bring up the topic in the least likely way to provoke outbursts of anger, denial, manipulation, threats and the plea to change.

     My trepidation for approaching the topic gently, stems from past experiences.  My first husband was another man I had to get away from.  After he put a knife to my throat for buying socks I knew I had to leave.

     I don't want a repeat.

     What I've learned about sociopaths is that they will justify anything to suit their needs.  They are in denial of their bad behavior.  They feel like they are being victimized.  They feel entitled to what they want.  Everything is someone else's fault, they take no accountability.

     This is my take on what to do, unless I find another way.

     The breakup will have to begin with a positive statement such as, I love you and I always will.  Then I will have to state what our conversation is about.  "I'm not right for you."  Followed by another positive statement (to protect his ego.)  You are amazing (fill in the rest with true statements.)
     Remain calm, show no emotions, don't accuse or blame, stay in control of the conversation and don't make it about my needs (that implies that he isn't good enough which his ego can't handle) and don't back down.

     That's the plan.

   At this point he will either: 1) get mad, 2) threaten me, 3) agree with me (God forbid), 4) say he will change  or something to that effect.

     I'm hoping that since he is interested in another woman this transition time will go a little easier, but a blow to the ego is always hard.

     Breakups are never easy, but they are even more challenging when it happens with a sociopath or psychopath.  For anyone else out there who has to go through this my advice is to be safe.

     When I left my first husband I had to do it while he was at work because he threatened to kill me if I ever left him.  It's amazing how many people will help you when your safety is on the line.

     I found a little apartment and didn't tell him where it was, but once he followed me home I knew I was in for some potential danger.  It took moving again, this time 500 miles away, to be safe.

    We can all learn from history.  I'm already looking for a new place, 500 miles away.

     He's out of town now so I have some time to plan.  I'll let you know the details and what worked and what didn't.

     We all deserve respect, love and honesty.

     Be safe.

20 ways to tell he may be lying

     Reading people to distinguish a lie from the truth isn't an exact science.  People handle stress differently which is what they do when they lie.  The more experienced they are at lying, the better they are at hiding it, unfortunately.

     This is an excellent time to use your powers of observation, to help detect a lie.

     By now, in your relationship, you should know how to tell when he is uncomfortable.  That is a good starting point.  If you are having a seemingly normal conversation and you notice his comfort level has changed you should explore the topic further.

     Begin with an honest baseline.  In other words, how does he look, talk, sound, move or gesture when he is telling the truth?  That's your baseline.  Now ask him a question that you know he will lie to.  What are the differences?

Here is a list of tips and tells for liars, but everyone is different, so learn his.

1.  No eye contact or too much eye contact.

2.  An immediate prepared answer or taking too long to think of an answer.

3.  Changes the answer.

4.  Stiffens his body.

5.  Rubs his eyes or forehead.

6.  Covers his mouth when talking.

7.  Micro-expressions.  The instantaneous Oh Shit expression that flashes on his face before he corrects it.

8. Unusual touching or scratching of the face.

9.  Their words don't match their expressions or body language.

10. A tick or restlessness in a body part.  Finger tapping, toe tapping, leg wiggles, you get the idea.

11. They answer no, but their head shakes yes.  Or the opposite for yes.

12. Their tone changes.

13. If the answer doesn't make sense or is illogical.

14. Too much detail for what should have been a simple answer.

15. Are his eyes closed or does he look away when he answers?

16. No contractions are used.  As in "I did not cheat."

17. Gets defensive at your questions.

18. Repeats the question (in an effort to buy time.)

19. May unconsciously put an object between him and you (arms crossed,a leg, a book, a pillow, etc.)

20. If he feels the need to explain himself for what should be a simple answer.

     Now that you know some of the standard tells, it's time to do some clarifying.

1.  Switch quickly to a different topic.  A liar will gladly go along, but anyone else will want to go back and finish or put a close to the previous topic.

2.  Ask him to retell the story but in reverse.

3.  If there was a question that caused discomfort ask follow up questions.


     The bottom line, you may be able to tell when he is lying, but most men, even when confronted with evidence still won't admit to an affair.  However, you don't need him to admit it to make a decision for what is best for you.

     Do you want to be free, not tied down to someone who has no integrity and will lie to your face?  Or do you want to try to work it out?  A tip, it's impossible to move on and have trust if he can't be honest with you.


     Do you have any tips we should add to our list?  If so, please feel free to share.

     And remember, you deserve respect, love and honesty.

Profile of a male serial cheater.

Serial cheaters are the ones who will continue to cheat every chance they get.

They love the thrill.

They think they deserve the adoration and attention.

They don't think that they will get caught.  In the back of their mind they think they can talk their way out of it if they do get caught.

They think they are smarter than you.

It is your job to protect yourself from them.  In order to do that I've put together a list of qualities that serial cheaters have in common.

1.  They are narcissists.  They think only of themselves and what they want.  It doesn't matter who they hurt to get it.

2.  They are self-entitled.  They think they deserve anything and everything their heart or loins desire.  They look to other people to pump their ego; They don't know how to do it themselves.

3.  They are more likely to have money.  They need money to shower women with gifts.  They are not capable of giving true love, so gifts are their way of saying "I care about you."  He may say the words I love you, but they mean something different to him than you.

4.  They are more likely to have jobs with power and control.  An executive for example.

5.  They are image oriented.  They are shallow people.  It's all about looks.  They want to be with attractive women who shower them with words of praise, there by stroking their egos.  Their own looks and image to others is of high importance.  They present themselves well, but you have to be able to look past the facade.

6.  They have double standards.  Rules apply to everyone else to "be good", but not to them.  Since they are narcissists they think they can rewrite the rules.

7.  They are experts at justification.  In their heads they are able to justify any action or motive to suit their needs and give them the excuse they need to cheat.  They do not think of themselves as liars, cheaters, deceitful or unfaithful.  They can justify infidelity with ease.

8.  They take no accountability.  If you notice that they place accountability of anything (past relationship failures, problems in the workplace, family issues for example) on other people instead of owning their part of the problem than you bet that they do  that with cheating too.

9.  They are insecure or paranoid.  This may be hard to spot at first because they are masters of deception.  Initially they come across as confidant, but that is a mask.  Inside they are insecure about your faithfulness because they know how easy it is to cheat.  Once they decide they want to keep you around for awhile you may start to notice the jealousy signs of insecurity and paranoia.  Beware, this is never a good sign.

10. They have cheated before.  They may or may not tell you if they have previously been unfaithful, but if they do realize there is a distinct possibility they will again.  And you should know that if they cheated with you, they absolutely will cheat on you.  Don't lie to yourself and think they won't.


11. They are handsome.  Good looks goes along way to forgiveness and masking deception.  People who are attractive can get away with a lot more than ugly counterparts.  This is not to say that all good looking people are cheaters because that's not true.

12. They are charming.  They pride themselves on being charming and know how to use that to their advantage.

13.  They know how to read people.  They are good at reading people and learning what matters to that person.  They use that knowledge to lie and lure their target with empty promises.  They are predators.

14. They likely had parents who were unfaithful.  Seeing infidelity as a child imprints on them that it is normal behavior.

15. They are skilled liars.  If you ever hear them lie or say that they lied, than you can bet that they lie to you too.  If they'll lie about the little things, than they'll lie about anything.


Take these for what they are, little pieces of a larger, thoughtless, emotional void that make up a serial cheater.

No one wants to be in a relationship with a cheater, so learn to spot the signs of serial cheaters before you get too far involved.

Always remember that you deserve better.

4 Types of cheaters

     Cheaters suck.  Cheating sucks.  Plain and simple.  The fact that someone doesn't have the balls to be honest and tell their partner that they are having an affair is cowardly and disrespectful, to say the least.

     Cheaters can be broken down into 4 simple categories.

1.  The one night stand.  He didn't go out looking for a hook up, but found it.  He feels profoundly guilty and chances are he won't do it again.

2.  Getting even.  Anger is a powerful emotion.  It can drive a man (or woman) to do rash things.  If he isn't get his needs met physically because his wife is withholding sex.  Because she cheated on him.  Or as a justified means of getting even because he feels jilted.

3.  Over whelming attraction.  This is generally with someone the cheater knows.  He has had an attraction to this person for a long time, eventually they hook up to satisfy their desires, never intending it to be long term.

4.  The serial cheater.  This man thinks he deserves it.  He is narcissistic, self-entitled and arrogant.
He will do whatever it takes to not get caught.  He will lie, lie, lie even with his pants around his ankles and a naked woman in the room.  He is charming and will have you thinking you are his world.  He is the one to run away from.


No one deserves to be cheated on.  Remember, you deserve to be respected and loved forever.

Using observations to find clues.

When you think your partner might be cheating on you it's heartbreaking.  If you ask him about it and he denies it, but you have that nagging feeling that he's not telling the truth you will need to find out for yourself.  

You can start with observation. 

Using your powers of observation you can find clues, answers to questions or leads to answers.  Think of yourself as a modern Sherlock.

If you don't already, start noticing and paying attention to normal details and their variants.  Below are examples.

1.  Keep track of the mileage on your cars.  Perhaps he said he was going to help out a sick friend (in town) but you notice there are 120 miles extra on the odometer.  He would travel 60 miles out and 60 back, so what town would be 60 miles away? Does he know someone that far away?

2. Watch his phone.  When you leave the room is it in a slightly different place when you get back?  Did you hear voices while you were out?  Does he have a tendency not to be on the phone when you are around?

3.  When he does get on his phone can you see the screen or does he keep it angled in such a way that only he can see it?  When you do see the screen are there recent calls, messages or emails, but he doesn't check them?

4.  How often does he use the bathroom?  Every few hours or every hour?  Does he turn the fan on each time (to cover sounds)?  Does the toilet flush? Does he wash his hands?  My point is this, is he using the facility or using the space for privacy?  Does he take the phone in with him?  Maybe he hides it in his pocket and thinks you don't notice?

5.  Does he go outside to smoke?  If so, how often?  Is that the way he's always been?  How long is he out side?  Is there a specific time of the day that he always goes out "for a smoke"?  Maybe he has a set time that he "chats" with someone under the pretense of smoking.  If the length of time is inconsistent such as 10 minutes most of the time and others only 4 minutes then ask yourself why?

6.  Where does he place his car keys?  Are they usually in a set spot, but now they are kept farther away or in a drawer or his pocket?

If he is a creature of habit then take note of any changes.

7.  Does the florist at the grocery store recognize him even though he rarely buys you flowers?

8.  Notice exactly how/where his car is parked.  Put a leaf under a rear tire if need be.  When you get back home has his car moved?  What did he do that day?  Did he say he was at home all day?  Obviously, this is more helpful if he's already told you that he was planning on being home all day.

9.  Keep track of money, specifically how much he spends and if it can be accounted for.

10. Does he not want to open the trunk of his car when you are around?  It's an easy, short term hiding spot.

These are just examples of every day happenings that could lead you to a clue.  There are so many more to pay attention to:  Shirt tucked in or out?  How many buttons are buttoned when he leaves?  Are his shoes dirty or clean when he leaves?  Does he smell different when he comes home?  Is he still wearing the necklace he left the house in?  Is the passenger seat in a different position?

You get the idea.

 Even the smallest detail can reveal a clue.

If you aren't use to having to be that detail oriented you can train yourself.  Start by paying attention to whatever he cherishes the most.  Take a look around before you leave a room or the house.

Have any questions?  Have any suggestions to add?  Feel free to contribute to our skills and knowledge database.